Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
