Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
