Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
