the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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