they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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