Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
