I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
