u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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