People in love make me want to vomit
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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