Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
