overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
