remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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