Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE