i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.