She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
They have beer where we have blood.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
