If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
