if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
