i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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