NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
