Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
