I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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