Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
