All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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