Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
