Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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