A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I did not marry a roomba.
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