I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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