I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
