Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
