My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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