Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
