my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
