I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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