I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
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Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
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I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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