I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
