im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
