You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
