I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
