WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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