I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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