come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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