I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
