Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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