Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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