I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
