at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
