mondays should just be called national damage control day
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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