I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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