I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
