i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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