Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
