I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
