someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
