how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
