dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
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when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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