Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
