haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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