There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
