I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
